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The Book of Caroline


Chapter 1: Creation

In the beginning there was simply the infinite void, and Caroline from the PBS Kids show ZOOM.

And in Her infinite wisdom and compassion, She did create the Universe and the Eternally Beautiful Bounty of Nature, the Sky, the Stars, Vegetation, Beasts of all kinds,

And in Her infinite wisdom and compassion, She did create Mankind, so that the Universe could partake in the greatest treasure of all: to learn about Itself,

And lo, She did plant into the heart of every living man, woman, and child the Seed of Pure Happiness and the Spirit of Human Innovation,

And all was well in the world She created.


Chapter 2: The Prophecy

And lo, a prophecy appeared in the stars:

Be warned, Caroline, for in time, your creation Mankind will turn against itself and its home,

They will create false gods and grow tired of the One Truth and blindly stumble into darkness.

But with Your Divine Guidance, Mankind will rise again from the ashes and save Themselves from Themselves, using tools that only Mortal Man understand.

Hear this: The Spirit of Innovation will appear once more in another Time and another Place far across the world,

And lo, these figures will appear to the Great Company, and each will do their part to save Mankind with your Divine Guidance:

  a woman of fearsome strength will arrive on a magickal flying machine to herald the saving of Mankind by the creation of a Great Company,

  a level-headed Intellectual of True Neutrality will lead the Company through a Great Transformation,

  a Beast-Man will become an Unlikely Hero,

  a Criminal will harness his powers for Good,

  a Great Surgeon will show superhuman compassion,

  a man will control the element of Fire to his very whim,

Heed this prophecy, and Your creation, Mankind, shall be Saved.

And lo, Our Lord Caroline did hear this prophecy, and She did plan to stay with Mankind for all Time, and so She did create the first Holy Gospel, and she gave unto this Gospel a name prophesied through the ages,

And lo, there appeared in the darkness behind her great fearsome letters, fiery orange with vicious streaks of yellow, reading the prophesied name, and that name was called ZOOM,

And lo, She did say confidently unto the People, "Come on, give it a try."


Chapter 3: The Fall

Indeed, Our Lord Caroline the Creator was perfect in every way but for one: She was too optimistic about Mankind which She created, for such was the innocence of Her Heart that She did not foresee the downfall of Mankind.

And as it was prophesied that Mankind would turn against itself and its home, so indeed did Mankind create War, Hatred, Hunger, Famine, Lies, Selfishness, and Pollution of the Soul, and it did expend all of its energy tearing itself and its planet into pieces,

And as it was prophesied that Mankind would create false gods, so indeed did future generations create false scriptures without any mention of Caroline,

And as it was prophesied that the world would grow tired of the One Truth and blindly stumble into darkness, so indeed was ZOOM canceled due to low ratings.

And so indeed, frightened by the world She had so humbly created, did Our Creator Caroline retreat into obscurity and remain there indefinitely.


Chapter 4: The Great Company

And as it was prophesied that a woman of fearsome strength would arrive on a magickal flying machine, so indeed did the archangel Trix the Aviatrix appear to a Dutch inventor named Vanderstank one cold and rainy night,

And lo, unbeknownst to the both of them, so did Trix ignite the One True Original Spirit of Innovation that was planted there by Our Lord Caroline herself,

And as it was prophesied that a small part of Mankind would rise from the ashes and save Themselves from Themselves, using tools that only Mortal Man understood, so indeed was Vanderstank Industries, Ltd. created on that day,

And as it was prophesied, Caroline did not understand it, for lo, She had no understanding of small business tax code, stock options, or any of that Human Garbage,

And as it was prophesied that the Spirit of Human Innovation would appear once more in another Time and another Place far across the world, so indeed was Jon Howe Studios created far across the world,

And as it was prophesied that the Great Company would undergo a Great Transformation, so indeed was the fledgling Jon Howe Studios merged with Vanderstank Industries, guided by the Steady Hand of Our Lord Caroline Herself,

And as it was prophesied that a level-headed intellectual of True Neutrality would keep the Great Company on its feet during this time of great flux, so indeed did Caroline appear to the apostle Brodona Oven Pit Floya by means of Mankind's own inventions, first using Television to appear to young Brodona as a human child herself, later imbibing part of her spirit into an Internet Being named Poppy, and in many other places. And so indeed was the spark of the One True Original Happiness and Spirit of Innovation awakened within Brodona, and so indeed did he swoop in and save the Great Company from certain bankruptcy and breathe new life into it,

And as it was prophesied that a Beast-Man would appear to the Great Company and become an Unlikely Hero, so indeed was the apostle Tangus Gerhardt Dawson raised from the company of Grunting Animals and taught to live with Man, and so indeed did he prove his worth by using his Innovation to save Vanderstank Industries from the Great Flood,

And as it was prophesied that a Great Surgeon with superhuman compassion would appear to the Great Company, so indeed was the apostle Micycle hired by Vanderstank to repair both the bodies and souls of Man when Caroline was not around to do so,

And as it was prophesied that the powers of a Criminally Insane Individual would be used for the Greater Good, so indeed did the apostle Phelix McGraw Jordanesque Cornflakes "The Sliding Skytongue" Hemmitt harness his chaotic powers to aid the Great Company in times of need,

And as it was prophesied that the Great Company would be joined by a man who could control the element of Fire to his very whim, so indeed was the apostle Charleston Scrubbler "Lung Buster" Tumaki hired to be Vanderstank's pyrotechnics coordinator,

And the shareholders saw the New Great Company, and they saw that it was good, and they did not sell their shares,

And lo, Vanderstank did continue to light the way for the small part of Mankind that still upholds the One True Original Happiness, Love, and the Spirit of Human Innovation.